Apparently, I’m not alone.

I believe in the universality of problems. I believe that someone is out there that feels the same way I do. Someone is out there wanting to rip her heart off her chest, lock it in a metal box and toss it into the South China Sea. I believe that this is the reason why many sad love songs were made, are being made and will still be made. People in misery look for companions. It’s not really to share tears or let out frustrations; it’s just that people just don’t want to feel alone. People don’t want to be unique when it comes to problems of the heart.

And I know damn well that I don’t want to be alone.

I sought solace and company from the Indigo Girls, Bonnie Raitt, Annie Lennox, Keahiwai, and Joni Mitchell. I was doing fine, but not quite. I was looking for the perfect song that will remind me that there is someone out there who’s experiencing a similar situation as mine.

And then I saw what she wrote a couple of months ago.

My god. I feel it in my bones. She was talking about him. I felt a stream of relief that there is indeed someone out there (quite close, actually) who can understand me. I know that when I tell her what I’m feeling she’d reply, “I know exactly what you mean because that’s exactly how he made me feel.”

Should be comforting, right?

Wrong.

After ten minutes of relief from the solid realization that I am not alone in this agonizing state, I began to feel a stroke of disappointment.

I’m not alone. She felt it. Or she may still be feeling it.

It made me feel less special.

Note that I didn’t say ordinary, because he does make me feel special even if there are times that I seem to be non-existent in his stranger-than-fiction life. I guess I’m just now looking for that little extra. I don’t normally aspire for something that I can’t have or can’t have easily, but time is running out. Our time is running out.

I want to break away from this detrimental cycle which has become the story of my life. Soon enough, if things go according to plan (not really what I want but what I think I need), I won’t have to look for comrades to accompany me in this heartbreaking predicament. I will be part of the lucky few who survived and moved on.

Has she moved on? I don’t know. With him involved, seems like moving on is a long journey.

Long, yet achievable.

Difficult, yet rewarding.

—–

listening to: Annie Lennox – Waiting in Vain

Filed under: Confuzzled, I, Word Sketch , apparently, i'm not alone, iya santos, universality of problems

Deadma sa Kudeta

Ayoko na i-discuss kung anu-ano ang mga pangyayari kaninang umaga. masyado na nag-iinit ulo ko sa linggong ito, kaya pass muna.  Kudeta, bagyo, curfew, shooting, arestuhan… saka na ako magrereact sa mga ‘yan.

Nakipag-inuman na ako kay Donnie kagabi, kaya panget naman kung iinom ako uli ngayon. Una, redundant, hehe. Ikalawa, ano ako, alcoholic? Ikatlo, wala rin sasama sa akin. Stranded sa baha sa Pasay. Hahaha.

Kaya, pumunta na lang ako ng ATC. Wala naman ako pakay talagang gawin dun, maliban sa mag-ikot-ikot hanggang mahilo ako. Gusto ko ring ma-feel na girl ako, na shopping ang ginagawang panlaban sa depression. Hindi kasi ako yung tipo na dadaanin sa pagpapagupit ng buhok ang sama ng loob. Oh no. Not my virgin hair!

Eto ang mga nakita ko sa mall na agad-agad ko namang binili. Siguro naman kahit na 24 hours mapapasaya ako ng mga ‘to.

Ayan. Big white bag. Kasya dito kahit na chop-chop body. Hehe.

Para akong hinihila kanina sa tindahan ng libro. Wala naman ako balak sana bumili. ‘Yun pala, kasi makikita ko ‘yan. Paborito ni Sandro si Drew. Kung bakit, kani-kanina ko lang nalaman. Shempre inunahan ko s’yang basahin. (Ang background ay para sa contrast lamang.)

Earrings. Kelangan ko ng pa-epek para sa theme ng Xmas party namin. White Bling? makahiram nga ng accesories ni Snoop Dogg.

Ito ang the best. Si Donne kasi ayaw basahin ‘yung Pride and Prejudice na copy ni Jap. Boring daw. Eh nakita ko itong mga kiddie versions. Ayos. May pictures pa ‘yan. Matutuwa na siyang magbasa ngayon. May the Count of Monte Cristo pa at Wuthering Heights. Hindi puro Maalaala Mo kaya novels at TikTik ang binabasa n’ya. Hahaha joke.

Ayan. Bibili pa sana ako ng boxer shorts eh kaso lang kelangan ko na umuwi for dinner. Sayang.

—–

Teka, teka. Hindi ako makapagpigil.

Naiinis ako. Nasayang ang boto ko kay Trillanes! Grrrr!

—–

listening to: 112- Cupid 

Filed under: Brainspill , ATC, dirty jokes and beer, drew carrey book

Bagyo, Lindol at Wala Lang Post

Ewan ko ba bakit nag-iinarte ako kanina, eh sa tutuusin, masaya naman ako.

Masaya ako kasi mababaw lang ang kaligayahan ko. Lemme reiterate, it’s easy to please me. Impressing me is the hard part.

So ‘yun nga. Si Bagyong Lando, nagmamaganda. Si Bagyong Mina, namiss tayo agad kaya bumabalik. Lahat ng tao nilalamig, pero dahil nga giddy ako, deadma. Rampa sa 5th floor kahit sobrang hangin, nagpicture-picture pa. Umaambon, pero, keri lang. Basta hindi mabasa yosi ko.

Oye Bimbombi, Eh-na Anna, Atche Ems, Iya I-y-a and Melanie MascardoVersoza :p

Lumindol pa daw. DAW kasi hindi ko naman naramdaman. Kaya pala sumkinduva-sortof narinig kong semi-nagpapanic si Mel and Anna sa right side ko. Busy-busyhan kasi ako sa call outs that time, na minulti-task pa sa pagbu-budget ng darating na kaperahan sa Thursday at sa pakikipag-YM kay Sandro. Kung ‘di pa sa n’ya sinabi sa akin na lumindol, ‘di ko pa nalaman. Kala ko nga joke lang. Naniwala na lang ako nung may follow-up question na Are you ok?

Haha. Spaced out.

One of the boys Iya, Vinci, Ny, Yan, di-ko-kilala, and Kram (Vinci and Kram have been my friends since 1st year college)

Tapos si Ate Dana bumisita pa sa akin. Sandali ko lang siya nakasama. Nagmarathon chikahan lang kami about work at nagpakita lang ako sa kanya ng pictures at may pinarinig ako sa kanya na mp3.

Nagstart pa sa training sa amin si long lost friend ko na si Richard at bro ni besty Jap na si Mark. Wheee! Bagong-lumang mga kasama sa office! Yehey. May dagdag na mabubulabog na ako sa kung anu-anong shifts!

At shempre, may nakuha akong pesosesoses kanina from a certain reimbursement blah blah blah. Di ko pa na-withdraw lahat. Para pagdating ng sweldo, mas mtuwa ako sa makikita ko ‘pag nagcheck ako ng balance. :p

At, at… 10am-7pm uli ang shift ko bukas. Yehey! Happy social life uli. ‘Wag lang sana manggugulo ang mga bagyo.

Ayan. Lots of things to be happy about naman, ‘di ba? Hindi naman nasagot ng post na ito kung bakit ako nag-inarte kanina. Ganoon siguro talaga. Walang kailangang rason para mag-inarte.

At wala ring kailangang rason kung bakit ganito ang post ko ngayon. Walang kasaysayan talaga, pero at least hindi ma-drama.

:p

—–

listening to: The Beatles – Come Together

Filed under: Brainspill, Intimate Circle , bpi buendia center, eperformax

Us

I made this poem back when I was still teaching in preschool. For some guy named Ryan, I think. I don’t know. I’m not sure. I wasn’t in love. I was in like and wanted to exaggerate.

I reposted this almost 3 years ago. I checked the date and it was Nico’s birthday when I posted it, though I can’t remember if I posted it again because I liked him then.

This is crazy. I’m only turning 26 and I suddenly can’t recall a lot of things. Is this what happens when you choose to forget (real hard)? Gawd. It actually works.

Anyway, I feel like reposting Us for the 2nd time.

For what reason, I don’t know.

Of course I do. But in every reason, there is always the inevitable follow up, “Why?”

Oh well. Here it is.

You are the rustling leaves of springtime.
gently humming,
yet vibrant and spelling life.

I am the snowflake that falls glistening,
dancing in all directions-
waiting to diminish in your arrival.

You are a hill of crocuses, roses and pansies,
an elaborate patchwork on the greens.

I am a field of dandelions, foxgloves and weeds,
an amateur canvas set of lonely stones.

You are the northern sky,
luminuous and beyond enchanting.

I am a remnant of the farthest star,
dying, blending with the darkness.

You are the golden part of the ocean
at the middle of the Pacific-
where the sun favors kissing.

I am the inhabited cluster of waves,
dreaming, continuously yearning to rise
and be in unison with the sparkling sand

You are universal.
I am the unknown.

You are remembered.
I am forgotten.

You are who I want to be with,
if not anyone I could be.

I am the one you never left,
because you have never been with me.

You are perfection.
And I-
I’m everything else.

—–

What a generic piece of shit.

—–

 listening to: Bread – Baby Imma Want You

Filed under: Word Sketch , iya santos poetry, Us

And The Sun Entered Sagittarius

Get off the couch, get out of your neighborhood and spice up your life with this exciting transit that begins as the Sun enters Sagittarius on November 22! But be prepared for last-minute changes when, two days later, independent Uranus turns direct during a full Moon in Gemini. Expect the unexpected should be your motto with this one. Speaking the truth will be important. Just make sure you think twice before you do.

This explains a lot of things. That’s why those things happened last Thursday! As if this horoscope shite is accurate. It can’t be. Because I’m a cusp! I need to check what the stars say about Capricorn as well. :p

Haha. Seryosohin daw ba?

What a draining week. New sched, calibs and meetings, manual reports, missing people, missing things, missing situations, hang-ups, let-downs… vague answers, new questions.

Thank God for these tried and tested things that never fail to make me smile. Oh and for new and fresh things that I didn’t know could make me reconsider…

cheques and cash * Ruff Endz – If I Was The One * PBB and Victor Basa

my soulmate slash eternal curse

finding long-lost friends in the office * seeing bros from LSS

free booze …and what tastes better than free beer

yosibreaks with Patrick, Anthony, and Ryan * an applicant having a crush on me hahaha * telebabad with friends I don’t see often

the indirect taste of orange strepsils

Porch BF * places where people can drink and talk

knowing one’s place * knowing where to go

being asked how you are * asking someone how he is

Filinvest exit * Greentea Frappe * making plans

remembering stuff you did under the influence of alcohol… wanting to do the same stuff when sober

sleeping in the shuttle * listening to The Ramones

sticking it out for the favorite mistake

hugs! hugs! hugs! * wishlist

tearless nights * subsob trabaho style of forgetting

Peter and Bogart * SKT * Baby Spice

saving up for a special gift * believing a beautiful lie

—–

About the pictures:

Taken @ Porch last thursday night. Top to Bottom: [1] Donne and Me. Sasayaw ba kami? [2] With sick Sandro. Not sick in the head. Sick talaga daw siya that night. Hehe. [3] Jacinto, Sisa (?) and Andres [4] Donne and Jay [5] JA and DA. :p

—–

listening to: Cranberries – Linger

Filed under: Confuzzled, Intimate Circle , donnie ylagan, iya santos, ja lopa, jay limjoco, porch bf pque, sagittarius

My Favorite Pick-Up Line

Hindi pa nagagamit itong linya na ito sa akin. Hindi ko na nga matandaan kung sino sa mga ungas kong kabarkada ang nag-share nito. Basta, ahluvet!

At dahil nabasa ko ang entry ni Badoodles, na-inspire ako na magshare din sa inyo.

Hindi tayo tao. Hindi tayo hayop. Bagay tayo. Bagay talaga tayo.

Fantastic! Ikaw, mapipick-up ka ba nito? :p

—–

listening to: Ne-Yo – Sex With The Ex

Filed under: Funny haha! Funny hehe! , pick up line

One Month Flat

My dearest friends, colleagues, co-bloggers, lover(s), relatives and stalkers, you have exactly one month to get a birthday gift for me. :p

Hala, sige. Mag-impok na para may pambili!

Here’s a list of the things I want and expect to get.

01 Poetry
Write something for me. Unleash your creative pambobola.

02 Flowers
Except red roses please. Potted flowers are welcome. ‘Pag pangit, ibabato ko sa ulo mo ‘yung paso.

03 A turquoise two-piece swimsuit
Or hotpink. Or sunshine yellow.

04 Original Good Girl Gone Bad album
Yeah. The one by Rihanna. I have a big lesbian crush on her. Not.

05 The World’s Greatest Salesman or 48 Laws of Power
Damn the asshole who stole my books.

06 All expense paid B&B
Preferably here. Haha. Ilusyonada.

07 Harana
I’m not talking about the song of Parokya ni Edgar!

08 Victoria’s Secret Blossoming Romance
This smells yummy.

09 A Boo Doll
Boo – that cute kid in Monsters Inc.

10 Gigantic poster of Justin Timberlake
Or better yet, give JT to me. Blindfolded. LOL.

11 The Godfather Trilogy DVD
And watch it with me.

12 A date
Friendly dates are welcome.

13 Compilation of my favorite 90’s dance hits
Don’t forget Dying Inside by Timmy Thomas! Hahaha!

14 Dinner in Sophie’s Garden
Complete with dress-up.

15 Tequila
I only drink Cuervo.

16 A BIG bag.
Camel or ecru would be nice.

17 Enchanted Kingdom Tickets!
Let’s go! Pwera sa Space Shuttle!

18 Vacation Leave
Ahem, ahem… calling my Sup!

19 BTS with 26 candles
Better Than Sex from Gayuma

20 A locket
With my picture. Haha. Or yours?

21 Pillowcases
Star and Moon design

22 Red stilettos
Size 9. Yeah, yeah. I have big feet.

23 An ADMU jacket
Don’t ask. Basta, I want one.

24 “UP ako. Eh Ikaw?” shirt
Please check the University Mall.

25 FLOWERS!
Just to emphasize. Hehe. I don’t think you understood the first time.

26 SURPRISE ME.
I trust that you can think of something nice to do and make me happy.

Please make me happy.

—–

listening to: Moony – Flying Away

Filed under: Tis The Season , birthday wishlist, iya santos

SOS!

I know there are no promises, no strings. But it doesn’t mean there can be no common courtesy. I think I mean too little to him.

From what movie or tv series is this? Help!

—–

listening to: Azure – Stick Around

Filed under: Things That Make You Go Hmmm...

Ranting Before Shopping

I tried to deal with this as mature and as calm as possible yesterday. However, when I looked at my phone this morning and checked my messages, I did not see an SMS nor a missed call from unnamed. Must be busy or still asleep. Inhale, exhale. Get back to Sunday ritual of exercising sloth.

After watching The Devil Wears Prada, I felt worse beause I can’t figure out which character I can relate with. I thought, good god, I need a Nate.

I read something I was not prepared to see a few minutes ago. I don’t know who it’s for. Probably not for me. I hate that it’s always not for me when I’m always wishing that I have something to call mine.

I feel like an idiot.

Excuse me, I have this gargantuan urge to shop.

Or cut my hair!!!

—–

listening to: Maroon 5 – She Will Be Loved

Filed under: Brainspill, Confuzzled, I

Better Late Than Never Realization and Porch

After several days of thinking real hard, I finally admitted to myself that if there’s someone being unfair to me the most, it’s myself. For someone who’s fond of thinking out of the box and has an affinity to break norms, I allowed myself to be put in a sappy, little box for the past months. Why? Nevermind. I’m saving the reason for a damn long entry.

There are still a lot of things that I can’t change now, because I am not yet ready to change them. And maybe because, I can’t change them on my own. I should just be happy now that I am somehow out of my sappy, little box.

Not far away from it. Just out.

—–

Out.

I was supposed to go to Greenbelt last night with my colleagues, but I didn’t want to watch One More Chance. (Hug kita ‘pag mahulaan mo kung bakit.) Beowulf na lang! And because none of them wanted to watch it with me, I went to Porch with Joel instead.

Jay followed to give me this Rasta Doll he bought from Bora. I still can’t decide what name to give the doll. Hmmm… Marley? Dopey? Aha. Alam ko na. ‘Yung name na lang ‘nung shark sa… Haha. ‘Wag na. :p (Jay, if you’re reading this, thanks sa pasalubong. That’s sweet of you. For that, one week kita hindi aasarin sa age gap natin. Hahaha!)

The two boys talked about boy stuff. (Duhhhh!) Basketball, Alvin Aguilar stuff and gout. Gout? Mwahaha! Ok, ok. Imma shut up now. Oh alright, they taked about man stuff as well. Work, work, work. Without the whining. (Which I missed somehow. Bleh.)

Wala ng saysay itong part na ito ng entry ko. Point is, I had fun last night. It was my much needed breather. I need more nights like it, don’t you think?

Joel texting Tart. (Awww how sweet. Naiinggit ako. Penge nga ng lubid!)

 

namumula sa blush-on at namumula from Bora

the giver and the gift

 

vanity over safe driving

—–

listening to:  U2 – With or Without You

Filed under: Confuzzled, Intimate Circle, WRU? , iya santos, jay limjoco, joel abril, porch bf pque