Apparently, I’m not alone.

I believe in the universality of problems. I believe that someone is out there that feels the same way I do. Someone is out there wanting to rip her heart off her chest, lock it in a metal box and toss it into the South China Sea. I believe that this is the reason why many sad love songs were made, are being made and will still be made. People in misery look for companions. It’s not really to share tears or let out frustrations; it’s just that people just don’t want to feel alone. People don’t want to be unique when it comes to problems of the heart.

And I know damn well that I don’t want to be alone.

I sought solace and company from the Indigo Girls, Bonnie Raitt, Annie Lennox, Keahiwai, and Joni Mitchell. I was doing fine, but not quite. I was looking for the perfect song that will remind me that there is someone out there who’s experiencing a similar situation as mine.

And then I saw what she wrote a couple of months ago.

My god. I feel it in my bones. She was talking about him. I felt a stream of relief that there is indeed someone out there (quite close, actually) who can understand me. I know that when I tell her what I’m feeling she’d reply, “I know exactly what you mean because that’s exactly how he made me feel.”

Should be comforting, right?


After ten minutes of relief from the solid realization that I am not alone in this agonizing state, I began to feel a stroke of disappointment.

I’m not alone. She felt it. Or she may still be feeling it.

It made me feel less special.

Note that I didn’t say ordinary, because he does make me feel special even if there are times that I seem to be non-existent in his stranger-than-fiction life. I guess I’m just now looking for that little extra. I don’t normally aspire for something that I can’t have or can’t have easily, but time is running out. Our time is running out.

I want to break away from this detrimental cycle which has become the story of my life. Soon enough, if things go according to plan (not really what I want but what I think I need), I won’t have to look for comrades to accompany me in this heartbreaking predicament. I will be part of the lucky few who survived and moved on.

Has she moved on? I don’t know. With him involved, seems like moving on is a long journey.

Long, yet achievable.

Difficult, yet rewarding.


listening to: Annie Lennox – Waiting in Vain

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