The long wait is over.
I finally took the plunge to a much needed catharsis and cried my eyes out last night. It’s just odd that the pinprick that triggered my balloon of tears was a line from the movie, Catch and Release.
“I saw her all perfect and it explained why each time he comes to visit me, he’s like an excited boy wanting not to be perfect.”
Or something to that effect.
It hit me hard because that’s what I saw and felt during those times. I didn’t feel like an option. I didn’t feel like a string. I felt like an escape. And I was happy being an escape. Until now, I don’t blame the person for making me feel that way. Primarily because, I can’t put the entire blame on him. I told him that I knew I should have already left when things started to change, but I didn’t want to just yet. Maybe because I saw how incomplete and sad he was in spite of the seemingly perfect package. I knew I couldn’t complete him, but I was certain that I could make him happy (or less sad) even for a while.
Why I wanted to make him happy? I don’t know. God, I don’t know a lot of things. I am sure though that he made me feel special, even if there were also days that he made me feel utterly inadequate. There were no expectations, only a few promises. There were lots of effort and time, even if there were no labels. There were almost no words, only acts of something similar to love.
He was my knight even if I need not be saved. He was my pillar even if I was already strong.
I wanted him to feel how much he meant to me, but I never had a chance to let him know.
I wanted to make our every moment count. I didn’t intend to make him the center of my universe then but I couldn’t help but gravitate towards him. I wanted to remember what we had with a smile or brilliant realizations, and not with expletives and bitter regrets. I’d always tell myself, “Hindi ko siya pagsisisihan. Ayoko siyang pagsisihan.”
I never wanted what we had to last, because I don’t want to wish for the wrong things. I don’t want to hurt people along the way, because it would mean that I would be hurting myself with guilt. And worse, I’d be hurting him in the process. God knows I would never, ever want to hurt him. And yeah, believe it or not, I tried to do the right thing even if the norms said it was already too late.
People would argue that I loved him, or that I still love him, because of all these.
I don’t know. I don’t want to process that emotion anymore. I’m just relieved that I finally cried. Only now can I say that I can walk faster away from him.
Away from the happiness.
Away from the pain.
listening to: The Holiday Silence