The Long Awaited

The long wait is over.

I finally took the plunge to a much needed catharsis and cried my eyes out last night. It’s just odd that the pinprick that triggered my balloon of tears was a line from the movie, Catch and Release.

“I saw her all perfect and it explained why each time he comes to visit me, he’s like an excited boy wanting not to be perfect.”

Or something to that effect.

It hit me hard because that’s what I saw and felt during those times. I didn’t feel like an option. I didn’t feel like a string. I felt like an escape. And I was happy being an escape. Until now, I don’t blame the person for making me feel that way. Primarily because, I can’t put the entire blame on him. I told him that I knew I should have already left when things started to change, but I didn’t want to just yet. Maybe because I saw how incomplete and sad he was in spite of the seemingly perfect package. I knew I couldn’t complete him, but I was certain that I could make him happy (or less sad) even for a while.

Why I wanted to make him happy? I don’t know. God, I don’t know a lot of things. I am sure though that he made me feel special, even if there were also days that he made me feel utterly inadequate. There were no expectations, only a few promises. There were lots of effort and time, even if there were no labels. There were almost no words, only acts of something similar to love.

He was my knight even if I need not be saved. He was my pillar even if I was already strong.

I wanted him to feel how much he meant to me, but I never had a chance to let him know.

I wanted to make our every moment count. I didn’t intend to make him the center of my universe then but I couldn’t help but gravitate towards him. I wanted to remember what we had with a smile or brilliant realizations, and not with expletives and bitter regrets. I’d always tell myself, “Hindi ko siya pagsisisihan. Ayoko siyang pagsisihan.”

I never wanted what we had to last, because I don’t want to wish for the wrong things. I don’t want to hurt people along the way, because it would mean that I would be hurting myself with guilt. And worse, I’d be hurting him in the process. God knows I would never, ever want to hurt him. And yeah, believe it or not, I tried to do the right thing even if the norms said it was already too late.

People would argue that I loved him, or that I still love him, because of all these.

I don’t know. I don’t want to process that emotion anymore. I’m just relieved that I finally cried. Only now can I say that I can walk faster away from him.

Away from the happiness.

Away from the pain.

—–

listening to: The Holiday Silence

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20 Comments

  1. pat

     /  April 7, 2008

    like the flowers

    Reply
  2. sorry. slow. ha?

    Reply
  3. sniff, sniff. 😦

    Reply
  4. *punas uhog*

    hehehehe

    Reply
  5. koreanmine

     /  April 8, 2008

    u write so damn well!!!

    i can only see a bit of d hul picture bt i cn say dat i can samhaw relate ..

    ur words r so beautiful yet painful.. truly wat love rili is…

    Reply
  6. arrrruuu… so you’re one of the people who would argue that it was love…

    hehe.

    thanks for the compliment. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  7. can i just say im on this road. I’m feeling this EXACTLY.
    after a long time.. i cried.

    Reply
  8. catharsis to the maximum level din, ms. pajarillo?

    hayyyy…. grabe….

    Reply
  9. can i just say im on this road. I’m feeling this EXACTLY.
    after a long time.. i cried.
    but I’ve got to say.. stop, stop, goodbye.

    Reply
  10. stop, stop goodbye?
    wala ng tomorrow, tomorrow, hello!
    :p

    Reply
  11. NOW NA! Hahahahahah!! πŸ™‚

    But seriously? TEMPTATION, You’re so hard to resist but the conscience just can’t handle it. Hahahahahah!! :))

    Reply
  12. TO THE MAXIMUM LEVEL! πŸ˜› Kailangan ng mega courage (wow, meron pala ako nun)

    Reply
  13. luckydee

     /  April 8, 2008

    you forgot to include your ultimate martyr line, “sana what happened to us would be a crucible for their relationship. sana maging happy na sila. if that will make him happy, sige lang. go lang.”

    ewan ko sayo!!!!!!!!!!! sa lagay na yan may gusto pang bumugbog sayo ha. hay nako. kung alam lang niya.

    *hugs bes*

    kita naman namin how he cared for you. be happy that you learned something from him. those things did not happen for nothing. sabi mo nga, kasama sa design ni god yan.

    mushy mushy. *hugs uli*

    Reply
  14. Hi JAP!!!

    Reply
  15. bernee

     /  April 9, 2008

    A BEAUTIFUL GIRL WITH A BEAUTIFUL HEART. BLESS YOU. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  16. dee: thanks bes. sinabi ko ba yun? hahahaha. mushy nga.

    kass: si donnie yan hindi si jap. :p japthecat ang name ni jap dito.

    bernee: wow thanks. thanks for visiting my site.

    Reply
  17. Homey

     /  April 9, 2008

    OMG, Babe, ur so Emo ha! in fairness ok na din un,,, let the good memories last:) get rid of him, este the bad ones:)

    Reply
  18. bernee

     /  April 9, 2008

    did you write that for the guy you’re with in the pic from the darkzodiac post? πŸ™‚ chismis!

    Reply
  19. homey: emotera ba? hehehe. lam mo naman, tough girl softie ako. basta tayo… all good mems tayo ha? love you, babe. :p

    bernee: do i know you? nope. i didnt write that for that guy. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  20. aw powcha. sorry sorry. hi donnie!!

    Reply

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