Introspection is such a lovely word.
Lovelier when practiced. I practice it often. When you catch me talking to myself, that’s just my daily struggle to understand who I am spilling over. Sure, it sounds weird, but then again, I never thought of myself as normal. Who is normal now, anyway? Odd is the new black.
Lucas and I talked last night and somewhere in between Tagaytay and treating patients with nana, he shared some thoughts about my favorite subject… ME!
So according to my doctor, I am harsh, violent, and hurtful.
“What’s that? What’s that term? You are… you are… Iya, you are a dominatrix!”
“No kaya! Sakalin kita eh.”
So much for self defense.
I told him I think I’m still two levels away from being one. I don’t play with knives. I don’t have a gun. I haven’t been in a fistfight or a bitchfight for more than five years. My idea of bondage is scarves. For crying out loud, I’m not the one who owns handcuffs!
I could have simply ignored his observation (which sounded more like a conclusion) if only I have not been friends with him since puberty. Time is relative, I know, but there’s something about his memory that I can’t quite contest. There might also be one or two incidents that can support his claim.
I suddenly became concerned about the impression I give others.
“Hey… kind naman ako ha.”
“Yes, you are.”
“And gentle?”
“I’m sure you have a gentle side, you just don’t show it to people. You’re like the sun in Seattle.”
Justice said I am incapable of being dull, and hopefully I don’t become dangerously sharp. So what am I now? A knife?
A few scratches and tiny bruises can’t hurt that much.
I feel like asking all my frienemies if I am indeed harsh, violent, and hurtful. I will not use the word dominatrix, because some shithead perverts don’t know it also means demanding.
If I ask you, try to think of a way in which you can lie to me and say I am gentle, kind, and compassionate.
If you fukken piss me off, I’ll… I’ll…
I’ll have to think of something first.
Well maybe later.
For now, I have to get back to my introspection and scrutinize my way into a clearcut category of me.
(Not that I have to, I just want to. At least for now. And yeah, he also said that I can’t live a day without meeting a quota. For someone who just reappreared in my life, he knows me damn well. Haha.)
—–
listening to: The Cure – Friday i’m In Love
Iya Santos Online 
pat
/ July 19, 2008Words & Music by Don McLean
It’s just the sun that’s shinin’ in your eyes.
It’s just the moon that is the sun’s disguise.
Just the sky, with clouds a blowin’ by.
The sun and the moon and the sky, and you and I.
It’s just the rain that’s rollin’ down my cheek.
It’s just the wind that makes me hear you speak.
It’s just the song that anyone can sing.
The rain and the wind and the song and the love you bring.
It’s just the world that gonna break your heart.
It’s just the past that’s tearin’ us apart.
It’s just the time we have so little of.
The world and the past and the time that we fell in love.
It’s just the sun that’s shinin’ in your eyes
It’s just the moon that is the sun’s disguise
It’s just the sky, with clouds a blowin’ by
The sun and the moon and the sky, and you and I.
alphasensei
/ July 19, 2008*sniff*
snobero23
/ July 19, 2008x link po kita huh..
Liz
/ July 19, 2008hahaha!
i simply love your posts, Iya. 🙂
cigarette-girl
/ July 20, 2008It can’t be that bad, I prolly am too. heh.
alphasensei
/ July 21, 2008snobero: ok, thanks.
liz: salamat ng maraming-mari! *cartwheels*
ciggie-girl: if it’s bad, rather be bad and fabulous than good and boring. hehe. right? right.
Chin
/ July 21, 2008I understand the way you feel about introspection. I feel the same way about Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. This is why each time I get, I try to sneak it into conversations. Simply saying “mass and energy curve space and time” makes me feel I’ve improved my IQ – every. single. time.
If you can’t be a knife, be a bolo. I think I like lurking here.
alphasensei
/ July 21, 2008hi chin! thanks for the visit!
haha i can me a hairpin and i can still torture ’em shitheads.
hell, i can just even use my barehands. :p
lurk anytime you want. 🙂
oh and, ang bigat naman nun, may scientific eklavu pa. :p