You know you’ve reached fiction hell when…

A pretty albeit not breathtaking highschool transferee falls in love with a gorgeous vampire who first avoids her with utter repulsion because her scent is the most potent amongst humans then pursues her when he decides he could not endure immortality without her.

Vampires are not only cold and hard as a stone, strong and quick as a bullet. They don’t get reduced to ashes but they glitter like diamonds when exposed to sunshine!

You haven’t recovered from the glimmer fiction factoid when you also find out that each vampire has a gift. Their best characteristic in their human life becomes intensified when they become immortal! If one is at best intuitive in his mortal life, he will be able to see the future once he becomes a vampire!

A coven of vampires swears to protect human life. So instead of sucking people’s blood out, they opt for animal blood. Wow, in the same light as vegetarians, only with more heart!

The main female protagonist not only associates herself with vampires. She also befriends werewolves. She becomes bestfriends with one. And get this, the bff werewolf also falls in love with her.

Werewolves imprint. Imprinting is like finding your soulmate, only way creepier. A teenage werewolf can imprint on a two-year old and take care of the baby until she is old enough to have a labeled commitment with.

The mortal female protagonist asks the immortal male protagonist to make her a vampire. He refuses because he does not want her to miss out on the varied important events of her finite life. He gives his yes in one condition, she should marry him first.

The annoying and asinine heroine refuses at first because she does not quite believe in marriage, since her parents are divorced. She gives her yes when she learns he will only have sex with her after they wed.

The heroine delays her immortality by reasoning she’s not yet ready to give up her perishable life. She says she wants to attend college first. The real reason: she’s afraid that sex will not be as good once she’s in eternal form.

You know you are still in fiction hell when…

The ditz gets pregnant and she gives birth after a month to a half-vampire baby who has the ability to communicate by sending images to people’s minds through touch.

The werewolf bestfriend imprints on the half-vampire baby! The vampire-turned heroine attacks the bff werewolf for naming her child after the Loch Ness monster.

Royal vampires from Italy come to destroy the baby as it poses as danger to the secrecy of their race. The baby’s immediate vampire family and her werewolf friends protect her.

The final showdown has two of the most dangerous fictional creatures known to man yet they resort to a peaceful agreement with the realization that the hybrid child is not a threat.

The royal vampires return to Italy. The werewolf bff waits for the hybrid child to reach her full growth for concrete imprinting.

The hero and the heroine talk about forever and have more vampire sex.

The heroine realizes that vampire sex is more gratifying than human sex.

And you realize it’s the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer.

—–

Despite the aforementioned, I have no regrets reading Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. In fact, I liked Twilight, but only because of two things. One, Robert Pattinson (Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire) will star as Edward Cullen in the film adaptation and I can hardly wait for December to watch it. Two, if I were Isabella Swan, I’d also have a difficult time sacrificing my sex life.

No regrets, but I had more pleasure reading a chapter of Harry Potter than the entire Twilight Saga. JK Rowling can kick Stephenie Meyer’s ass.

Anne Rice can go for the kill.

—–

listening to: Coldplay – Scientist

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10 Comments

  1. na aliw naman ako rito.. :))

    true. The movie rendition of whatever book CAN be a good motivation to read the whole saga/book to be adapted.

    But, weren’t you frustrated at some point and you wanted to give up reading the book?

    BTW. I think I’d be as hesitant with giving up my sex life.. >.<

    Reply
  2. kAt^me0w

     /  August 21, 2008

    nakakatakot yung imprinting…

    Reply
  3. silver: sa book 2 nagiinit na ulo ko. pero in fairness, na-enjoy ko yung times na naiirita ako kay bella. :p excited na ako sa movie. i love you robert pattinson!

    kat: skeri talaga. buti fiction lang. haha.

    Reply
  4. wow.. it’s a love-hate rellationship pala.. hehehe…

    i felt the same way towards Daniel Radcliffe. No one saw his handsomeness and his “potential” during the first movie and i was one of his “few” fans. Tapos biglang ang dami nang nagka crush sa kanya. Nawalan na ako ng gana.. 😐

    Reply
  5. DarthWalker

     /  August 23, 2008

    I have enough nightmare in the mirror…

    Reply
  6. I’m getting more and more intrigued by that saga. Maybe I should drop the book that I’m reading right now and rush to the nearest bookstore and grab a copy of twilight.

    Reply
  7. I have the audio version of the book. Thank’s for spilling what went on in breaking dawn, I don’t think I can stand another few hours of the insipid bella swan. I wanted to kill her.

    Reply
  8. i like reading scary books.. but it must be one that won’t bring me nightmares heheheh…

    i tagged you po pla.. hope you got time to check it out here: http://enelym001.wordpress.com/2008/08/24/bombacious-porn-story/

    Reply
  9. *nosebleed*

    this is why i prefer surreal shorts (plus the fact that i’ve never been a fan of fantasy fiction and i’m forever lazy to read novels).

    btw, i think candice already finished your vector drawing. she might post it soon. hehe

    Reply
  1. Twilight sucks, but I love RPatzzz. « psychosomaticaddictinsane

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