You know you’ve reached fiction hell when…

A pretty albeit not breathtaking highschool transferee falls in love with a gorgeous vampire who first avoids her with utter repulsion because her scent is the most potent amongst humans then pursues her when he decides he could not endure immortality without her.

Vampires are not only cold and hard as a stone, strong and quick as a bullet. They don’t get reduced to ashes but they glitter like diamonds when exposed to sunshine!

You haven’t recovered from the glimmer fiction factoid when you also find out that each vampire has a gift. Their best characteristic in their human life becomes intensified when they become immortal! If one is at best intuitive in his mortal life, he will be able to see the future once he becomes a vampire!

A coven of vampires swears to protect human life. So instead of sucking people’s blood out, they opt for animal blood. Wow, in the same light as vegetarians, only with more heart!

The main female protagonist not only associates herself with vampires. She also befriends werewolves. She becomes bestfriends with one. And get this, the bff werewolf also falls in love with her.

Werewolves imprint. Imprinting is like finding your soulmate, only way creepier. A teenage werewolf can imprint on a two-year old and take care of the baby until she is old enough to have a labeled commitment with.

The mortal female protagonist asks the immortal male protagonist to make her a vampire. He refuses because he does not want her to miss out on the varied important events of her finite life. He gives his yes in one condition, she should marry him first.

The annoying and asinine heroine refuses at first because she does not quite believe in marriage, since her parents are divorced. She gives her yes when she learns he will only have sex with her after they wed.

The heroine delays her immortality by reasoning she’s not yet ready to give up her perishable life. She says she wants to attend college first. The real reason: she’s afraid that sex will not be as good once she’s in eternal form.

You know you are still in fiction hell when…

The ditz gets pregnant and she gives birth after a month to a half-vampire baby who has the ability to communicate by sending images to people’s minds through touch.

The werewolf bestfriend imprints on the half-vampire baby! The vampire-turned heroine attacks the bff werewolf for naming her child after the Loch Ness monster.

Royal vampires from Italy come to destroy the baby as it poses as danger to the secrecy of their race. The baby’s immediate vampire family and her werewolf friends protect her.

The final showdown has two of the most dangerous fictional creatures known to man yet they resort to a peaceful agreement with the realization that the hybrid child is not a threat.

The royal vampires return to Italy. The werewolf bff waits for the hybrid child to reach her full growth for concrete imprinting.

The hero and the heroine talk about forever and have more vampire sex.

The heroine realizes that vampire sex is more gratifying than human sex.

And you realize it’s the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer.


Despite the aforementioned, I have no regrets reading Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. In fact, I liked Twilight, but only because of two things. One, Robert Pattinson (Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire) will star as Edward Cullen in the film adaptation and I can hardly wait for December to watch it. Two, if I were Isabella Swan, I’d also have a difficult time sacrificing my sex life.

No regrets, but I had more pleasure reading a chapter of Harry Potter than the entire Twilight Saga. JK Rowling can kick Stephenie Meyer’s ass.

Anne Rice can go for the kill.


listening to: Coldplay – Scientist

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