Soul deep friendship.

That’s what I thought we’d have the moment we were introduced. We laughed at the corniest jokes, reminisced about our alma mater, analyzed profound life misgivings since day one. If you were a boy, I could have fallen in love with you. Since you’re every bit as girly as I am with the ability to handle some situations like a man, I was easily drawn to you. And I could bet my life and soul that it’s the same reason why you were drawn to me. For weeks and I was truly delighted to be by your side. Until the day came that you started ignoring me.

I didn’t know what made me feel more dejected, the times you conveniently forgot my existence or the times you treated me with coldness that could have frozen the earth’s core.

I wanted to ask you why you suddenly changed, but since I did not feel even the slightest guilt, I did not. Why take the first step when I could not think of doing you anything wrong? So much for that soul deep friendship. So much for friendship.

Yet I was not too proud to reach out to you in the pretense that nothing is wrong. For 22 days, I unfailingly said hi to you and asked how you’re doing. Twenty-two futile days. I grew tired hearing your replies, “Hi.” and “Fine.” It could have helped if you looked straight into my eyes when you said that instead of turning your back and walking away.

So I didn’t waste any more of my precious time to a fast-forgetting, insensitive bitch like you.

I taught myself to keep a straight face whenever I heard your boisterous laugh. Pushing aside the raw memory of how we used to laugh together. Vowing I’d cheerfully stab you in your sleep if I found out I was the object of your laughter.

You also taught me how to deal with you. I acted as if you’re not in the same area with me breathing the same air that I breathe.

In a way, I should be relieved that I could match your exterior indifference, but that’s just not me. I didn’t feel relieved. I felt more troubled for not having the courage to ask you what went wrong and why you plucked me out of your life.

I incessantly wondered if we could ever go laugh at earthworms again…

Or if we could ever debate again over which isaw in UP is better, Ilang or Kalayaan…

Or if we could ever share repugnance to what happened in the Holocaust…

—–

listening to: Cindy Lauper – True Colors