Some months ago, a friend confided that she stopped praying for what she wanted. I asked why and she said that she grew tired of repeating the same thing and repeatedly not getting what she prayed for. She said that she didn’t want to get to a point where disappointment would take her as far as hating God.

“If you stop, how will He know that you really want it?” I asked.

“He knows what’s in my heart because He is God,” she replied.

She added that I wouldn’t be able to understand because I am very happy with my life. That I have a lot of friends to make me forget if and when I do have problems.

I was surprised to know that she assumed I was not capable of feeling down. I assured her that like any other human being, I experience frustration. Depression, even. Obviously, we’re not very close. She had no idea that sometimes when I am alone, I beg God for the strength to keep me sane, and lead me not into the road I used to traverse.

But I wasn’t there to join her in her hopelessness. I pleaded that she asks God for the gift of discernment for her to know what really it is that she should ask from Him. Only then will she be able to continue praying. And she shouldn’t stop praying because God honors persistence. We just have to check if we are being steadfast or stubborn. Hence, asking for the gift of discernment first. Because seriously, if we ask for things that will not make us better individuals, why would a powerful loving God say yes?

And if we are absolutely sure that what we ask from Him is something that will indeed make us better versions of ourselves and He doesn’t give it, well… We keep on praying and believe that the waiting time is His way to prepare us for the gift we have patiently put our faith into.

Which brings me to my very recent meltdown.

It’s agonizing to not know if what I’m praying for will be given to me. After all, I will never understand the mind of God. During times of impatience, doubt and fear that my prayers will not be answered, I simply cannot help but wonder if what I want is the same with what He wants for me. If we have opposite plans, why can’t He just give me a sign to pray for different things and save me from another heartache? Why does He keep on giving me trials? For me to learn? For me to be wise? For me to serve as an example to others? Or is He giving me trials to punish me and show me that I will not ever get His favor?

Yes, I have moments like that. I am not proud of such moments. In my heart, I know that God loves me and it hurts me to entertain doubts. I want to keep on believing that I am living my purpose and if He has bigger plans for me, I will be able to see and understand these plans as they are being revealed.

I know that He doesn’t hate me when I get mad at Him. I know He knows I cry out of ignorance and frustration. I am not perfect, but He knows once the tears dry, I always try and make it up to Him because it also means making it up to me. I know that He knows I will always come around because there is no place I’d rather be than in His presence. I know that my happiness is His business even if times come when I believe a little less.

I’m praying that I will not lose the persistence. I’m praying for God to help me crush the doubt in my heart. I want to be steadfast in my faith. I want to be able to share this to my family and friends. I want to see the day when I will be able to tell the world that God finally granted the desires of my heart and the long wait was worth it.

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listening to: nothing