“When was your last relationship?”
“Why did you break up?”
“Why are you still single?”

Those are the dreadful questions that render me speechless, which is hard to believe considering how chatty I am. I should have auto-generated answers by now because I have been getting those questions since I hit 28. I don’t know. There are very simple answers, some truths and some half-truths. It’s complicated, I guess, when the answers open up a portal in my head that make memories contaminate the words that should come out of my mouth.

Just late last week, I was asked those questions again. I remember letting out an exasperated sigh, taking a long gulp of my beer, and then saying, “I think I need a cigarette.” After a couple of puffs, I said, “Mukha siyang gago.” I wasn’t even sure if I was talking about the last boyfriend or the last guy who stole and broke my heart. I guess, it didn’t really matter because they’re all gago in my book. I didn’t know what year to answer for the when-was-your-last-relationship q. I didn’t know if I should talk about the last relationship that the whole world my whole world knew about or the last relationship significant to me. Somewhere in the conversation, I managed to say I have a gay-looking ex who also happens to be a lying, cheating stupid son of a bitch.

You’re probably thinking that I can choose the convenient option of saying that I want to keep my love life (or lack thereof) personal, but there really are times that these things have to be discussed. I wish I could develop a spiel for this to prevent me from blabbering like an idiot, to prevent my head from exploding.

For now, how is this for an answer?

“Last relationship ended on time. It ended because he wasn’t awesome enough. And I’m still single because I haven’t met someone who’s as awesome as me.”

Vague, conceited, hopeul and true. I will use that while figuring out a better answer– while waiting for a reason to not answer anymore because the questions are no longer applicable.


listening to: Florence + The Machine – Shake It Out

Of soup and pearls

I woke up this morning wanting to call in sick but I couldn’t because there were a lot of things I had to do in the office. I remembered him when a long time ago, I told him I was sick and couldn’t go to work and he offered to bring me soup and take care of me until I feel better. I told him, “Adik ka ba?” I didn’t want him to visit me because I didn’t want my parents to meet him. He met my parents after a couple of months in a very very embarrassing situation. No, my parents didn’t walk in on us while you-know-what. Anyway, we ended up going out and watching a movie albeit me being sick. I didn’t want to kiss him, but he risked getting the virus. True enough, he had cough and colds a few days after. I sent him an sms saying “Get well”. He replied, “Soup?” and I said, “You have helpers. Go ask one of them to make you some.” No wonder he didn’t become my boyfriend. But hey, I wanted to be there but I wasn’t prepared to meet his mom and dad.

I was stuck with that memory this morning and I could help but remember the story of “The Fake Pearl” that my friend Ralph shared with me last night. I almost bawled while walking out of Glorietta when I told him I already knew how the story’s gonna end, “Waaaah!!! I have a fake pearl! Pucha. I have a lot of fake pearls!!!” How can God give me the true pearl when I can’t let go of the fake? How can God show me Mr.Right if my heart and mind cannot move on? What if he’s already in my life but I’m too stupid to notice him because all I see is the one I want to be with but should not be with?

It’s scary. I did not expect that my feelings are still this strong for this guy. Just mid last year I claimed that I was in love with another man boy. This other boy even asked me before why after this guy who wanted to bring me soup, I was not able to love again. I can’t remember what I answered but I knew I answered what I believed was true that time. And what I believed true was I didn’t have feelings for him anymore and that I was just waiting for the right one to come along. Couldn’t be more wrong. Few months after I was asked that question, I was with the soup-guy (haha lame codename I know, so tempted to put his initials but I won’t) and some of my friends and I thought it was just one of those regular drinking sessions where I was chatty because of the alcohol buzz. My friends told me right after that night that they’ve never seen me that happy. Not even with the guy I claimed I was in love with. That scared me because I didn’t want to fall all over again. But I guess I set myself up for trouble. And I fell. Harder than before. I believe the word they used to describe me when I was with soup-guy was effervescent. Lively. Sparkling.

Wow. :,(

I put on my work clothes and put on makeup. I went out of the house and walked to the elevator. I walked back to the house and went in my room and removed all the pictures of us. Just recently, I had our favorite pictures printed because resisting him wasn’t working so I thought, maybe filling my world with his memories might make me sick of him. I kept the pictures underneath a stack of old books that I don’t plan reading. The dust made me sneeze.

I deleted his name from my phonebook.

Hopefully, This is the last time I’m going to write about him.

My body is sick. My heart is hopeful. Real pearl, come to me.


listening to: nothing

SPTD : Saksak Puso Tulo ang Dugo

May mga kanta na kahit ok ka na ay makakapagpa-alala sa iyo ng mga bagay-bagay na gusto mo nang kalimutan at pipilipitin muli ang puso mo sa sakit. Ang tawag ko dito ay mga kantang SPTD o  mga kantang Saksak Puso Tulo ang Dugo.

Isang araw na nadurog ang puso ko, tinaggal ko ang mga ito sa playlist ko PERO kalimitan ko pa rin silang binabanatan ‘pag panahon ng videoke. Bakit? Wala lang. Ganon lang talaga. Masokista kasi ako. Hahaha! Napilitan lang akong i-download ang mga ito muli para sa meme na ito na pinasimunuan ng sadistang si Maricris. Sinang-ayunan rin naman ito ng mga sadista rin (o masokista) na sina Eunice at Joko.

‘Eto ang mga kanta na ‘pag papakinggan ko ay lumalayo muna ako sa mga bagay na pwede kong magamit sa sarili ko na panakit:

Para sa First Puppy Love

Upside Down – Two Minds Crack
Bakit? Favorite song ito nung mokong na ‘yon. Naaalala ko, bumili pa ako dati ng pirated CD na meron nito para pakinggan noong kami pa. Parang premonition na he’s gonna turn me on, turn me around and turn my whole world upside down. Nakakahilo.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: Baby you don’t understand / Our love lies lost but you’re still hodling my hand / Oh and then you walk away / Just tonight I want you to stay

Somewhere Only We Know – Keane
Bakit? Eight years after naming magbreak, lumabas kami uli at noong ihahatid niya ako sa bahay, ito ang kantang narinig ko sa kotse kung kelan sakto ang oto ay nasa parte ng kalsada kung saan kami laging humihinto. (Wholesome ito na hinto, ika ha!) Nag-init ang ulo ko nung marinig ko ito sa trailer ng Winnie The Pooh The Movie.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: And if you have a minute, why don’t we go / Talk about it somewhere only we know / This could be the end of everything / So why don’t we go / So why don’t we go

Para sa Second Puppy Love

Say It – Voices of Theory
Bakit? Weh bakit nga ba, eh love song ito na sweet. Yun nga eh. Nasesenti ako ‘pag naririnig ko ito kasi naaalala ko ang mga pambobola niya sa akin. At ang mga pangako niyang napako. Sa bagay, kasalanan ko rin kasi masyado akong uto-uto trusting.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: Am I giving enough / Is this all that should be / When water gets rough / Will you still swim with me?

Every Now and Then – Earth, Wind & Fire
Bakit? Hindi ko maalala kung bakit ito ang torture song of choice ko noong naghiwalay kami. Baka dahil puro mga old souls ang kasama ko noong mga panahong ‘yon. Hahaha.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: When I’m alone anytime I hear music play / When I reach, reach for the phone / Why does everything good / Make me think of you baby

Para sa First Love

U & I – Cynthia Alexander
Bakit: Hindi ko magugustuhan si Cynthia Alexander kung hindi dahil sa kanya. Itong kanta na ito ay nagpapaalala sa akin ng real love. Tipong love na mababasa mo sa 1 Corinthians 13. Ang original song ko ay Comfort in Your Strangeness dahil nakaramdam ako ng feeling of home sa kanya. Kaso lang, gusto niya ng something different. Penge nga ng kutsilyo dyan.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: The color in between us is the sky that binds us / Never-ending you / Begin on & on & on / I only know U are for real / But last night in black & white / A dream of lovers’ eyes / A song on an old phonograph / A moving photograph of U & I

Can We Still Be Friends – Mandy Moore
Bakit: Dahil ito ay hindi pwedeng mangyari sa amin. Sayang. Sinubukan sana namin pero hindi talaga pwede. Hindi pwedeng magkaron ng pagkakaibigan kung ‘yung isa ay wala namang pakialam sa iyo. Sinasabing meron, hindi mo naman maramdaman. Oh and btw, pwede rin sa amin ang Someday We’ll Know ni Mandy Moore and Jason Foreman.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: It’s a strange sad affair / Sometimes seems like we just don’t care / Don’t waste time feeling hurt / We’ve been through hell together

Para sa Kaibigan na Minahal

Friends – Mike Francis
Bakit? Sa description pa lang, di’ba? Friend I wasn’t supposed to fall for nga. Naalala ko minsan, kumakain kami sa labas tapos pinatugtog ito. Gusto ko sanang mag-walk out kaso lang hindi ako pwedeng magpahalata.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: Watch me my friend / I feel you reachin’ in my mind though I know we’ll be in love just for one night / I keep on trying to change my point of view again/ but everything seems to be the same / I want you where you are now / I don’t wanna lose you

What Might Have Been – Lou Pardini
Bakit? Self explanatory na sana ang title. Pero, ‘yun nga. Napapaisip ako kung ano kaya ang nangyari kung nasabi ko sa kanya dati noong mga panahon na nagmamatter pa. Anyway, friends pa rin naman kami ngayon. Friends lang talaga, hindi na uusad. Ayoko na rin.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: I’m ready this time / I know that I’m no longer undecided / Don’t wanna be a fool wondering / What might have been

Para sa Kasalanan

I Love You, Goodbye – Celine Dion
Bakit? Kasi ito talaga ang naging drama ko sa kanya. Hindi ako umamin ng feelings ko until the day na kailangan ko nang magpaalam kasi mali nga ang sitwasyon. At take note, nagka-repeat pa ito. With a different person naman. Oo na. Matigas ang ulo ko. Ihampas mo ako sa pader, pader pa ang masasaktan.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: You’ll find someone who’ll be the one that I could never be / Who’ll give you something better / Than the love you’ll find with me / Oh I could say that I’ll be all you need / But that would be a crime

I Don’t Want to be Your Friend –  Nina
Bakit? Mahirap ‘yung iniiwasan mong magkafeelings ka pa tapos pinagdudukdukan nung isang tao yung sarili niya sa buhay mo. Ayaw mo namang bastusin kasi importante pa rin siya sa iyo at gusto mo pa rin ng koneksyon sa kanya, pero anong gagawin mo kung bawal talaga?
Panaksak pusong lyrics: Don’t call me in the middle of the night no more / Don’t expect me to be there / Don’t think that it will be the way it was before / Don’t think that I care / I’m not over you yet / And I don’t wanna be your friend

Para sa Taong Hindi Ko Ma-Classify

Kung OK Lang Sa’Yo – True Faith
Bakit? Dahil dapat kakantahin niya ito sa akin noong birthday ko but then again, I threw a bitchfit so he ended up singing this to me before we called it quits. Ang labo lang, di’ba? Buong relationship naman namin malabo talaga. Ang klaro lang doon, minahal ko ito. Sobra. Grabe. At nasaktan niya ako sa level rin na ‘yon.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: Ngayong alam mo na, sana’y ‘di ka mainis / At pasensya na kung ako ay makulit / Pero kung gusto mo, ako na lang ang lalayo / Kung OK lang sa ‘yo

Ghost – Indigo Girls
Bakit? Kung ira-rank ko ang mga kantang nilagay ko dito, ito ang Top 1. Ito ang pinakanakakadurog na kantang narinig ko. At medyo nakakapagtaka na sa taong ito ko ito naaalala. Nakakapagtaka at nakakakaba.
Panaksak pusong lyrics: And I guess that’s how you started like a pinprick to my heart / but at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown / And there’s not enough room in this world for my pain / Signals cross and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain

Marami pang ibang kanta tulad ng I Try ni Macy Gray, It Means Nothing ng Stereophonics, Against All Odds ni Phil Collins, It Might Be You ni Patti Austin, Heartbreak Warfare at Friends, Lovers or Nothing ni John Mayer, Here is Gone ng Goo Goo Dolls, Thinking of You ni Katy Perry, Rewind ni Paolo Nutini, I Fall to Pieces ni Patsy Cline, Everybody Hurts ng REM, One ng U2, An Ex is an Ex for A Reson ng the Courteneers, Wasted Time ng The Eagles, How Can You Mend a Broken Heart ni Al Greene, Go Your Own Way ng Fleetwood Mac, Migraine ng Moonstar 88, I Know It’s Over ng The Smiths, Ikaw Lamang ng Silent Sanctuary, Something to Say ng Harem Scarem, Ikaw Ang Lahat sa Akin ni Martin Nievera, Set You Free ng Side A at maraming maraming marami pang iba.

Wala tayong magagawa. Emo nga daw ako. Hindi bitter, excuse me. Sa totoo lang, I’m ok. People change, memories don’t, ika nga. Kung may listahan ako ng mga Saksak Puso Tulo ang Dugo na mga kanta, meron din naman akong listahan para sa aking hopeless romantic side.

At dahil diyan, isang araw, gagawan ko rin iyong ng post. Tatawagin ko iyo na The Parinig Playlist.

And with that, iniiwan ko ang quote na ito para sa inyo:


Pahabol na SPTD song…

listening to: Iron & Wine – Always On My Mind

Kahapon, Kanina, Ngayon

Alam na ng lahat ng tao, pwera ka.
Alam na ng lahat ng tao na mahal kita.

Alam mo na.
Alam ko na rin.

Pwede na akong magpatuloy ng buhay.
Panahon nang bilisan ang paglakad palayo.


listening to: my friend RJ’s advice in my head “Fuck that. We don’t need that shit.”

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